A List Maker's Life: Not Me. No. Never.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Not Me. No. Never.

If you're the mom of little people, especially boys, get ready for a good laugh.  As moms to boys we do find some odd hilarity in the somewhat inappropriate things that come from our mouths.  Good thing we can laugh at ourselves!  Hyacynth is the busy momma to two adorable little guys.  She is a talented journalist and blogs at Undercover Mother.  She is also the co-founder of the wonderful site that is Bigger Picture Blogs. Today she will induce your giggles with her humorous list of the things she never thought she'd say or do as a mom.

Before I was a mom, I was such an awesome mom. I totally knew how to raise kids because, hello, I'd been a nanny for four boys and I practically raised {read: babysat and kept alive} my little sister. Certainly the stay-at home-mom thing was no big thang. {Certainly, I didn't have an ounce of pride in my naive, young body.} But then I birthed not one but two children, and I found when babies come out of there that the passage must somehow trigger a switch of some sort that makes formerly perfect moms of no children become presently imperfect moms of real children.

And in the spirit of lists, here's my Top Four Things I Swore I'd Never Do/Say as a Parent.

4. Stop stealing your brother's balls. So innocent. So phenomenially mind of a 13-year-old boy. And so not something a grown God-fearing, Bible-reading woman should find hilarious, but, alas, here I am still giggling.

I had to hold back laughter as a teenager when I would hear this come out of parents' mouths. I thought to myself, "Don't they know what they are saying? Couldn't they find a better choice of words? Couldn't they give a proper description of the balls? Couldn't they be basketballs, footballs, baseballs?"
But in the heat of the moment when the older one is stealing his baby brother's balls and you've asked him at least seven times to find his own {bwahahahaha!} balls? Well, I don't care what kind of stinkin' ball it was nor can I see which kind it was through my fit of absolute disbelief -- JUST STOP STEALING HIS BALLS! OK??

3. If you pee in one more bucket ... I'm going to take away all of your buckets/you're going to sit in your room until you are 30/mommy is going to have a mental breakdown.

I swore I'd never use the if clause with my kids and then follow up with random promises of epic toddler proportation like banning Curious George from the TV screen or peanut butter from lunch time.
But alas, I do. And it {mostly} works to stop the pee from free flowing into random household objects.

2. Only dogs get to poop outside.
No, you are not a dog.
Yes, you are a boy.
Yes, you have to poop in the potty just like everyone else in the family poops in the potty.
Yes, the dog is part of the family.
But, no, he doesn't know how to use the potty.
And, no, we cannot teach him.
Yes, dear, we do pee by trees like the dog but only when it's an emergency.
SIGH.
No, this is NOT a pooping emergency.
Birds, too.
And squirrels.
Even boy squirrels.

1. Whatever. Wear your lunch on your face. JUST GET IN THE CAR.
I previously thought moms who let their poor babes with big, bright eyes run around sporting faces painted with this morning's breakfast and perhaps a few accent marks of last night's dinner were really lazy, irresponsible moms who probably lived in squalor, allowed their kids to bathe in mud and never ever did laundry or dishes. Oh, those sweet little angels are so cute, I thought. If only their mom cared enough to properly sanitize and bathe them. Poor little things.

I now realize sometimes it's not worth the epic battle that ensues when a mom races at her 2.5 year old's yogurt-and-blueberry covered face with a washrag moments before they have to rush out the door to get to church on time because darnit I'm bringing breakfast and cannot be late this morning AND could you fortheloveofGod PLEASE stop thrashing around on the floor and foaming at the mouth like you have Mad Cow Disease so I can simply and gently remove the crustees and stains from your cheeks/chin/eyes/nose?
"SQWAAAAAAAACCCK!"
No?
OH.
Well, then could you just sit there while I take a picture so I can commerate the day when I completely gave up on having you look like you were NOT RAISED IN A MUDPIT?!

And go ahead. As soon as I pull out the camera and toss aside the wet wash cloth, take it as a sign that I'm waiving the white flag of surrender, wipe your face with the sleeve of your shirt and stare innocently at all the people who think "oh, that poor little angel; if only his mom cared enough to wipe his cute little face."

Sound familiar?  Thanks for sharing Hyacynth!

5 comments:

  1. Love! Hilariously Funny! If I keep adding all the fun blog writers to my list to read...I will never get stuff done. But considering I love reading these blogs...you have another reader!

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  2. Thanks so much for having me today! :)

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  3. Hey Katie, Just checking to see if that was you today in the neurosurgeons office? Was going to say hi, but thougt I would look a little silly if it wasn't you.

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  4. Hi There! I am your newest follower. I found you on The Fence! I love finding new blogs and your is lovely:)You can find me at www.bouffeebambini.blogspot.com

    Take a peek at my giveaways if you stop by. Everything is handmade and GORGEOUS!

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  5. Absolutely hilarious! Love it! I have found myself having those very same conversations with my kids. I must add in addition to the "balls" comments, telling your kids to "eat their nuts" is also sure to induce laughter, as I found the other day.

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