The post where the people who know me as "the girl who keeps her emotions under wraps as tight as a pig in a blanket" will think I may have lost it. Yet, in an attempt to be more real and honest with myself I think this is worthy of sharing.
orThe post written last night after our appointment, yet when re-reading it today I helped me realize there will be good minutes, hours, days, etc. and others that are not so great.
orThe post I waited to publish until today knowing that my perspective might be one of a bit more hope if I gave it a few hours.
Tonight as I stood in the shower I wasn't sure where the streams of tears ended and where the water began. I'm washing them all down.
I understand that our news may have been more promising than the other patients the doctor saw this morning. But, hearing that my child has the most severe type of Spina Bifida, may suffer brain damage because of the fluid in his head, will likely never walk (but for a miracle, which I will continue to believe in), will spend months in the hospital in a city other than our own, will have his first surgery hours after birth while I am still recovering from a surgery of my own was not the "good news" I was hoping for. Yes, it is better than the worse we have feared for the past week. Yet, this news is still laden with uncertainly, life altering implication, and some frustration.
I will continue to strive to be positive. There are minutes and hours that my hopefulness comes much more naturally. I do believe in miracles. I want God's light to shine through our circumstances, but I must admit that I'm still sad. Sad for the things I might have dreamed or thought would be for us, for our family, for our dear baby.
Tonight I am trusting that God understands my hurt; that He feels it just like I do. Trusting He is standing with me; that He is pointing me to a perfect plan, albeit very different than mine. Trusting that He will give me just what I need for each moment ahead.
Be strong and take heart all who hope in the Lord. Psalm 31:24
For those of you who like technical details and specific prayer requests:
~The new ultrasound indicates that Gabe has Myelomeningocele.
~Hydrocephalus (a build up of fluid in and around his brain) has also been detected.
~The doctor is encouraging us to rule out the possibility of Trisomy 18 with an amnio.
~We will not be considering in utero surgery.
~We are specifically praying that the fluid in his brain will remain stable and/or decrease, that he will grow strong until it is safe for his delivery and surgery, and that his paralysis will be limited or non-existent.
Thank you all for your thoughts, encouragement, and concern.