Most days I wrestle. I wrestle with myself. I feel stuck somehwere between wanna-be professional and playing house.
I love my kids . I am blessed to have this time home with them. Yet, I still find some self definition in my education, my career, and my job? I still introduce myself as the "teacher who is home with my kids right now."
This "retirement" of mine is temporary, yes. But the title MOM & wife are quite permanent. Why don't I function at 100% here? In the day to day, hour by hour events, am I mindlessly reacting to my postion or am I conscious of how I carry it out?
Right now, in this moment I'm given...
I spend my days at home cleaning, cooking, correcting, cuddling, chasing, crafting, and communicating. I fill the hours. I fill the minutes. I fill every second with activitites. I search for things that make me feel productive and professional. Being a mom doesn't seem like enough so I organize events, run a business, build a professional blog, write agendas, correspond with educators, compile activities, read professional literature, and plan learning centers for my kids.
Each second that's passing is filled with so much meaning...
I think I'm missing it.
This morning something was different. I snuggled the kids in bed as they woke up. I served breakfast while I was still in my own jammies. I really played trains, with my hands and my heart. When I did get dressed I chose the fuzzy sweatshirt and flip flops (you know the one - it probably screams SAHM). Today I was okay with that.
We didn't run errands. We didn't "hustle up."
We didn't prop the bottle.
We talked. We listened. We laughed. We wrestled.
We were all more content, more amused, more entertained, and more peaceful.
Without any conscious change on my part I found myself appreciating the opportunity to carry out the mundane chores of the day: laundry, trash, mopping, laundry, bathing babes, laundry. I didn't wrestle with myeslf about what I should be/could be/used to be doing. I found joy in our moments. I appreciated the pace of this "season." I embraced the job I've been given.
As the day ends I feel better about what I accomplished in the here & now, instead of feeling like I spent my day stuck between then & now.
I'll treasure the breath I'm breathing...