A List Maker's Life: Quiet My Heart

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Quiet My Heart

Most days I wrestle. I wrestle with myself. I feel stuck somehwere between wanna-be professional and playing house.

I love my kids . I am blessed to have this time home with them. Yet, I still find some self definition in my education, my career, and my job? I still introduce myself as the "teacher who is home with my kids right now."

This "retirement" of mine is temporary, yes. But the title MOM & wife are quite permanent. Why don't I function at 100% here? In the day to day, hour by hour events, am I mindlessly reacting to my postion or am I conscious of how I carry it out?

Right now, in this moment I'm given...

I spend my days at home cleaning, cooking, correcting, cuddling, chasing, crafting, and communicating. I fill the hours. I fill the minutes. I fill every second with activitites. I search for things that make me feel productive and professional. Being a mom doesn't seem like enough so I organize events, run a business, build a professional blog, write agendas, correspond with educators, compile activities, read professional literature, and plan learning centers for my kids.

Each second that's passing is filled with so much meaning...

I think I'm missing it.

This morning something was different. I snuggled the kids in bed as they woke up. I served breakfast while I was still in my own jammies. I really played trains, with my hands and my heart. When I did get dressed I chose the fuzzy sweatshirt and flip flops (you know the one - it probably screams SAHM). Today I was okay with that.

We didn't run errands. We didn't "hustle up."
We didn't prop the bottle.
We talked. We listened. We laughed. We wrestled.
We were all more content, more amused, more entertained, and more peaceful.

Without any conscious change on my part I found myself appreciating the opportunity to carry out the mundane chores of the day: laundry, trash, mopping, laundry, bathing babes, laundry. I didn't wrestle with myeslf about what I should be/could be/used to be doing. I found joy in our moments. I appreciated the pace of this "season." I embraced the job I've been given.

As the day ends I feel better about what I accomplished in the here & now, instead of feeling like I spent my day stuck between then & now.

I'll treasure the breath I'm breathing...

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17 comments:

  1. you are the best mom! i hope you are able to find joy in all of your days. you deserve it! :)

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  2. You have THE most important and meaningful jobs ever! You are still a teacher...you just have a smaller class right now. You are developing little people and caring for a home, making it safe and comfortable. I'm glad you slowed down today to enjoy as well.

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  3. I agree whole heartedly with Kelli, you ARE a teacher NOW and heck you even have a bigger class than me!

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  4. I so completely understand what you're talking about. I do work part-time and I struggle constantly between being a working mom and a stay-at-home mom. I work two days a week while my oldest is at Pre-K and my youngest goes to a babysitter. I feel guilty that they have to do that, but at the same time I know that they both enjoy it, especially my oldest and if I didn't work, we couldn't afford it. And I feel guilty that I enjoy working. And sometimes when I'm home with them I feel guilty that I miss out on things going on at work the days I'm not there, the promotion that should have been mine but wasn't because I choose to only work 2 days, etc.

    But then I love being at home and spending those days with them even though I sometimes want to pull out my hair!

    I wrote a post about this several months ago. http://thecreekmorefour.blogspot.com/2008/08/sun-and-rain.html

    I enjoy reading your blog!

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  5. Sometimes we all need to quiet our hearts, be still and find that inner happiness and peace! I hope the rest of your week is as great as today was.

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  6. Hi, I'm visiting from MBC. Great blog.

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  7. Wow, Katie, I love hearing about your process! What a victory day. Thanks for sharing it.

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  8. Katie, thank you for sharing your heart with us! Most of us moms wrestle with things. We feel very torn. I really appreciate your honesty! I love you! :-)

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  9. I loved your words. I can relate. I often struggle with my position as a stay-at-home mom. It isn't something I planned on and now I have been doing it for 8 years. Your words also touched on what God has been showing me about being present in the moment he gives me. I wrote about that last week, here: Lost in ThoughtIt is Food Allergy Awareness Week. Read my latest allergy post: Works-for-Me Wednesday: Medicine Bag

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  10. It seems we all worry about this... thanks for giving it a voice and letting us know we are not alone. I remind myself that they are only little for a short time but the "job" will always be there, waiting.

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  11. You nailed it Katie every stay at mom's heart!
    Great writing!

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  12. wow! my exact thoughts!!!! beautifully put!

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  13. This is exactly what I have been thinking lately and you could not have put it into better words; love it Katie!

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  14. Hi. I was just surfing around some blogs, and I came across yours. It’s pretty nifty and I’m really enjoying my stay here. I’ve bookmarked your site for daily visits, and I hope you’ll visit me. I’d love to have you. :) Have a great day and I’ll see you around the blogosphere. :)

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  15. Wonderfully put, Katie. It truly is important to slow down in the hustle and bustle of a jam-packed day and relish in the company of our children.

    Blessings to you!!

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  16. Wonderful post. I know I'm so much happier on the days when I enjoy being in the moment of being a mother as you describe.

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  17. Katie I remember the days well that you describe...I also remember people would tell me how quickly those days would be pass. It's so true, it was just a blink of an eye and I was no longer in the throws of the SAHM sweatshirts, the make believe, the snuggles and the messes around my feet. From the birth of my first...to the graduation of my last was 27 years, and truly it was the twinkling of an eye! I cherish every memory as I know you will too! Bravo to you for enjoying the journey!

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Thanks for taking a moment to comment. I love to hear from you!